Rites of Passage

You've lovingly saved a christening gown passed down through three generations and assumed your daughter would now want it for your new grandchild's baptism. But to your dismay, she has different ideas for her child - and they don't even involve church.

Although it's okay to approach her with your concerns about having a traditional baby ceremony, resist the urge to strong-arm her into doing what you want. Broaching the topic insensitively could backfire and result in a family blowout. Grandparents "have to come to terms with accepting that the ultimate decision isn't in their hands," says the Rev. Susanna Stefanachi Macomb, a New York City-based interfaith minister and author of  "Bless this Child," a book on interfaith baby ceremonies. "If they don't, there's going to be tension. Smart parents accept this even if it is difficult for them," she says. That tension could overshadow what should be a memorable day and lead to lingering resentment.

Amy, who is Jewish, says her parents' disapproval of her and her husband's decision not to circumcise their two sons made her feel terrible. Although they went ahead with a ritual bris without the circumcision, she says the families argued for a long time over the decision. "We spent hundreds of hours poring over this; however, no discussions took place where feelings weren't hurt," she says. "We did go through with the ceremony, although it was obvious that the family was not that into it." So be cautious about how to approach your children, and be open with your feelings, but don't accuse your child or make her feel guilty about not keeping to traditions. "It's very important to keep the conversation in the first person: your feelings, your histories, why you're attached to your traditions," says Macomb. "Never attack, and never make the other person feel wrong."

As a grandparent, you can ask to participate in the ceremony in some way. Parents understand that grandparents will hold a special place in their child's heart and want you to be included. Heron Freed Toor, an interfaith minister based in San Francisco, suggests that family and friends be asked to give a blessing or say a prayer at the baby ceremonies she officiates. "That way grandparents are given the opportunity to say whatever they want, from whatever point of view," Toor says. "And all are listened to respectfully." If your child is still apprehensive, write the blessing beforehand and review it with her so there won't be surprises. Try to compromise. And remember, there are many ways to celebrate the birth of a child that incorporate both traditional and nontraditional rituals. For example, a minister or rabbi can officiate in a house or outdoors. If the couple is interfaith, some ministers, rabbis, mohels and imams are open to officiating together. Personalize the ceremony and pay tribute to past generations by telling a family story related to your traditions.

Above all, no matter how your philosophy differs, keep in mind that you and the baby's parents have a common goal: welcoming a new life. Look beyond the rituals and into the greater meaning of the ceremony. With some creativity and flexibility on all sides, families can create a unique and memorable event that can be very moving and spiritual. Says Macomb: "It takes a lot of thought and care, but it's absolutely worth it."

This information is not a substitute for personal medical, psychiatric or psychological advice.