My Kids Will Never Play With Balloons!

Posted by Kristi Gilbert

It's sad that I choose to punish my kids this way but I have my reasons. For as long as I can remember, I've hated latex balloons.

I can't handle them walking through a zoo or amusement park. I cringe when I see them floating on the ceiling at family restaurants on Friday nights. It makes me think of the movie IT. I've only watched IT once. Once was enough.

They all float down here...

It wasn't the clown. It was the effing balloons...

I lose my cool whenever we are eating at a restaurant and there's a balloon animal guy.

Keep walking, Balloon Man. No one here needs a flamingo hat or pirate sword!

My poor, sweet children. They just want the fun, shiny blown-up toy. They don't understand what their mom has gone through. The anxiety. The uncontrollable shaking. The short latex life and disappointment.

They don't know my pain.

I remember a game played at my 9th birthday party. It was at McDonalds because my mom worked there. There was a "pop the balloons with your butt" game. I was in hell. I remember crying. I hated the game yet I was forced to play it. I remember covering my ears trying to make the best of it. Good thing there was cake.

During my years working for a private school, they put me in charge of the D.A.R.E. program which required a release of balloons. One balloon for each student. I was volunteered to fill helium balloons for three hours. I believe I stopped at a bar on the way home to calm my nerves.

I could keep going but, hell, you get the idea. I still STILL cannot be around latex balloons without twitching.

I'm sure there's a therapy I could try. Pop a million balloons in front of me and I get desensitized. I doubt it'll work. I might run away screaming or curl up in a ball and rock until I pass out.

Balloons suck. All they do is float and then disappoint you when they lose air or pop. No other toy breaks your heart like that. Who wants a toy that breaks your heart?!

See, kids? Mommy is just protecting you from heartbreak.

3 back to baby

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