The 5 Flavors of Whine

Posted by Kristi Gilbert

He's full-on toddler, so submerged in his toddler position that he could write, or draw, a book on How To Be a Toddler: the Expert Edition.

His best chapter is: "A Connoisseur of Whine: How to Choose your Type." My son's book would start like this:

"In deciding on how to whine to your advantage mostly depends on what you want to whine to 'say'. Are you hungry? Bored? Tired? Frustrated with the lack of ability to explain your emotions? The trick is to choose your whine wisely to get the response you want--ultimately for your parent or caregiver to 'give in.' Remember, picking the wrong whine only will prolong the response you desire and could result in the undesirable 'time-out' or other form of discipline.

The Sweet Whine: This is a carefully played whine. It starts as more of a whimper. It never really grows in volume but continues until desired outcome. Reserved more for needing a parent to change the channel to your favorite show. Works best when coupled with cuddles and sitting on laps.

The Rosé Whine: Similar to the Sweet Whine but increases slightly in volume over time. Using this whine and combining it with holding your breath gives its name of Rosé. It is used more in public places as the "starter" whine, wanting a toy or type of snack at the store. It can be quickly transformed to the Red Whine if necessary.

The White Whine: Referred to also as the "overtired" whine, it's an abrupt, forceful and loud whine turning your caregiver "white" with embarrassment. Use wisely, this one will send you straight to the discipline seat if you aren't careful. Great to use at a restaurant when forced to eat yucky veggies. Once mastered, you'll be eating ice cream to "shut you up" within seconds.

The Dry Whine: This one is a low and slow whine. This one is best used when being forced out of a car to go someplace you despise. It requires some commitment as it's an ongoing whine that after awhile dries out the mouth and lips. Make sure to whine about wanting juice during this one. You'll thank me later.

The Red Whine: The mother of all whines. You start strong and don't stop. Basically the last resort of whines when it's bedtime, you're hungry, your toy has broke and no one will or can fix it and you kinda feel icky. With too much feelings going on to try and explain, this whine covers all bases. The only thing that resolves this whine is cookies, a warm bed, clean dry clothes, a new toy and being held by your caregiver. No substitutions. It's either all or nothing. Warning: this whine has caused the participant to pass out, so use wisely.

For those of you starting out, try the first 3 choices listed to begin with. You don't want to hit heavy and only use the Red as it will get old fast and will have no effect on the caregiver. Start out slow and test the waters. Soon you'll have everyone trained and you'll be swimming in cookies and new toys in no time. Good luck and enjoy the whine!"

Oh, yes... Fellow parents. They know exactly what to do.

Is your baby/ toddler a whine connossieur too?

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