Parental Texts From Last Night

Posted by Kristi Gilbert

When my husband and I text each other, it can be pretty hilarious. Add in some lack of sleep and things can get pretty insane.

Lately, our evenings have been a mish-mosh of bad sleep habits. There are nights when he's working late in his office into the wee hours. And there are nights when the baby will only sleep if I hold her and that ultimately results in her sleeping in the master bedroom with me.

This event usually coincides with my son's fear of being alone at night. He hates his room right now and wants to be with one of us in order to sleep. More times than not, the one of us is my husband. Last night was one of those nights.

My son on the guest bed with my husband. The baby girl in the master bed with me.

Try as we might, we never seem to get any sleep. This usually results in late night texting to keep each other company. Why not? We're both awake anyway.

With the popularity of Texts From Last Night it only seems fitting that our texts are filled with the same nonsense that fuels TFLN. Being drunk and stupid. Being exhausted from sleep deprivation and stupid.
Same thing.

Here are a few examples:

ME: I made the stupid attempt to put her back in the crib. 6 feet from her bed, the screams were earth shattering
HUBS: I know, you think the walls are soundproof?

HUBS: I thought I knew pain. But there is no pain like the pain that comes from the dropped-toddler-head-in-the-crotch wake-up call.
ME: Try the toddler kick in the breasts-that's got the power of an air gun to the ta-tas.

Why oh why must they put their head on my neck? Is this their way of torturing me after a day of no TV and veggies for dinner?

I had the pillows. I miss the pillows. He has ALL the pillows.

Foot in the mouth. Seriously. She's got her foot in my mouth.

ME: If I could breathe, I'd tell you I love you. Which I do. She may just be killing me tonight. I figured I'd let you know.
HUBS: Just move her, crazy.
ME: I would but my arm is asleep from her massive killing baby head.

Butt in face. Fart in mouth.

HUBS: How much do you think king size rubber sheets run?
ME: New mattress, honey. Think of the big picture.

ME: If we continue to allow this to go on, one of us will probably lose an eye.
HUBS: I'm betting it's gonna be you.
ME: I'll take that bet.

Hot. So very hot.

HUBS: No worries, son. I can sleep on an inch from the edge of the bed.
ME: You've got an inch?!?

HUBS: He's awake now and wants juice, of course.
ME: Tell him there is plenty stashed under his mattress. He has to sleep in his own bed to get it.

Apparently, the bathroom was too far away. Or she's just out like a light. Or this is karma for what I've done to my parents

ME: I say we just attempt to sleep all together in one bed. Maybe it'll make them so miserable, they'll go running back to their beds and never want to sleep with us again.
HUBS: Are you sleep-texting right now or just delusional from the lack of rest?

Plans to run away to the nearest hotel is in the works.

3 back to baby

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